"Live stand-up is my thing. I love being on stage and just messing around."
"I've never laughed a woman into bed, but I've laughed one out of bed many times."
"This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories... if you lick it."
“In life there are two types of people. Those who go to the shops in pyjama bottoms and flip flops and people who aren’t tools.”
"When I'm on stage, I'm quite over the top - I'm quite flamboyant and camp."
"Part of doing stand-up is to get things off your chest. It's a bit like being in a psychiatrist's chair - but more enjoyable."
“I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.”